My name is Troy. My friends call me Tron. Cops call me: “Hey Idiot, get over here”.
I am 28 years old, and I have no girlfriend to tell me what not to do, and no children to repeatedly poke my face at 5:30 in the morning as a sign for me to wake the fuck up. I live on my own, walk around naked in my apartment, and eat awesome food. I should be super fat, like ‘Gilbert Grape’s Mom’ fat, but fortunately my metabolism is the tits (I’m only slightly out of shape, nothing a little p90x won’t heal). I have no seeeerious debt, and I have a fun job as a bartender. Sure there’s shitty things in my life, but I won’t bore you with that because, hey, we all have problems. Mine are laughable, therefore I am pretty stellar. Sure I ain’t rich, but bitch, I’m happy. Hollaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Anyhoo, I love to get drunk with my friends. I frickin’ love it. I love the feeling of going out and partying where the music’s loud and girls dress like they wanna get some. Shit, it doesn’t even have to be a bar. A house party is just as stellar, and cheaper to boot. I fucking love it. I may be 28, but I sure as hell ain’t slowin’ down. Hooray for immaturity. I’ll stay in on Friday nights and snuggle with my dog or wife or retirement home room mate when I’m old, but for now: Jager-fucking-bombs!
Now let me explain something. I’m not saying I like to drink every day. That’s alcoholism brotha, and that ain’t cool. It’s actually gross. I’m what you call a weekend warrior. And as a weekend warrior I like to do all the typical things that drunk people like to do, but if I had to categorize the things I do most often as a result of drinking heavily, the list would look like this.
(*Notice: most of these things I do cuz I like to, whereas a few of the things I do cuz my brain has shut down and I’m running on auto-pilot. I’ll let you differentiate which is which)
1. Dress Up like an idiot
It’s called peacocking. It’s when you wear something flashy or stupid to attract girls. Girls are so ridiculously enamoured to the idea of finding out why that idiot is wearing bunny ears, that they just HAVE to talk to him to find out why. BOOM! There’s my in. If I play my cards right, I’ll be high fiving her as she leaves tomorrow morning.
2. Sing 90′s songs
Hey I’m a singer. And goddammit, singers gotta sing. I just happen to drunkenly love shitty 90′s songs that make me, and others around me smile. I dare you to not want to hang out with the guy at the party who’s singing this beauty of a tune:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGUMsxVt4YU
3. Pee on the bar (aka The BarPee)
Listen, when I’m completely wasted I lose all control of not only my senses, but my knowledge of socially accepted behaviour. My world revolves around me and me alone when I’m intoxicated. And this leads to the BarPee. Brace yourself, it’s gross, and what’s worse is that I’m not the only one, there are many of us, and it happens often.
I HATE waiting in line for drinks. And I also hate breaking the seal and having to flood the urinal like a Japanese Tsunami every ten minutes. Therefore, when I’m completely tuned, I tend to kill two birds with one stone. It’s quite simple really. 5 easy steps
a) Stand next to the bar in a dark section, where there’s a lip.
b) Order drinks with loud noises and one shaking hand in the air to distract others from what the other hand is doing
c) Remove appendage from pants
d) Urinate while doing the shot (avoid standing next to people with open toed shoes or flip flops)
e) Make loud chant or comment of awesomeness with fist pump to celebrate shot (as a distraction) while zipping up trousers
Sorry, I never said I was a classy guy
4. Dance Like an Idiot
Can I do the robot? Can I do the monnwalk? Can I breakdance? No! Do I do these dance moves anyway? Fuck yes! When people who actually care about their steps see a buffoon making a complete ridicule of the situation, it lets the world know: “Hey, why so serious? Let’s just get shittered and have fun” I’ve noticed that women tend to be drawn towards ‘fun’ guy more so than ‘So You Think You Can Dance’ or ‘Stomp the Yard’ guy.
5. Steal Stupid things
I’m not a criminal, except for when I’m plastered. Throughout the years, I’ve stolen Lawn Gnomes off of front yards, City of Sudbury Police Department signs, street signs, patio furniture, shit I’ve even stolen one of those bar heaters for smokers in the cold during winter seasons. But my crowning achievement was this bad boy (as seen with my former room mate). Boooooya:
6. Vomit on the dance floor
Self explanatory. This usually happens at 1:30 after someone gives me my 14th shot of Jack.
7. Play drinking games
I’m a man who loves to turn everything into a game. “We’ve got 12 beers between two of us as a pre-drink, and only 60 minutes ’til go-time? Let’s have a boat race, 2 games of flip cup and a beer pong match, best 2 out of 3. I live for sports, so why shouldn’t my drinking be tied in with my passions.
8. Buy everyone shots (aka ShotGuy)
Whenever I go out, I usually wake up in the morning 175 dollars lighter. Why? Oh Yeaaaaaaahhhhh, cuz I felt as though all 8 of us who went out together needed a pick me up of tequila at 12:14, and at 12:53, and at 1:25. Drunk Tron = fiscally irresponsible Tron. I could’ve bought a penthouse condo with the shots I’ve bought for people. Ah well, what goes around comes around.
9. Make out with Random Broads
I am a make out bandit. I’ve swapped enough spit with enough girls that the inside of my mouth should feel like Chernobyl. From what my buddies tell me, I’ve definitely hit the lottery on some cases. That being said, I’ll be brutally honest with you, I’ve made out with girls who make Jabba the Hut look like Helen of Troy. It happens. It’ll happen again. And I regret nothing. Life’s too short my little Ndugu.
10. Write Music
I’ve been completely blitzed to the point where I’ve woken up naked on the floor with a piece of paper in my hand with lyrics and chord progressions, and I’m like: “What the fuck happened last night?” Then I play the damn thing, and it turns out to be some of the best shit I’ve ever done. Yay for subliminal me! Case in point: See that playlist on the top-right of the screen on this webite page? Click ‘Daytona’
Completely shitfaced, don’t remember writing it.
Hooooooray for booze and it’s glorious results.
Well kids, I’m tired, so I’ll leave you with this message:
You only live once. Don’t waste it on a buildup for something else. Unless that’s your cup of tea.
Peace